Recently a friend of mine let me know that she has a new girlfriend. It immediately upset me, and not because I have any romantic feelings for the girl in question, but rather just to see a girl find another girl so easily. I sit and wonder in the most painful ways, why it seems like such an impossible task for me. The worst part is I know the answers.

In my attempts at meeting women to date, I’ve actually encountered some of the most ridiculous questions I never thought I’d ever hear. Topping the list has got to be “do you ejaculate from your clitoris?” and “if we had sex, would I get pregnant?” Sure I’ll chalk it up to people just not having exposure to trans people and really not knowing, I’m cool with that. But there reaches a point where ignorant questioning crosses over into just-fucking-think-about-what-you’re-asking territory. The other byproduct of this is I get told I’m interesting, I’m attractive, I’m funny… and then I never hear from them again. Basically the novelty wears off and they go off in search of a “real” girl.

Not too long ago there was a girl I knew who had just come to the conclusion that she was completely gay. She came over to my place for some extended snuggling, told me how much she’s always cared about it, and then bam, two days later she has a new girlfriend. She cared about me sure, but only long enough for a genetic girl come along.

This all fits into this greater feeling that I’m allowed but never accepted. Like I got into the clubhouse that is a civilized society on a technicality, but that doesn’t mean I get to play. If I were into guys, it would be different. I don’t know how to describe it without being crass, but it’s just much easier to snag a guy. Not just with dating either. It’s an underlying axiom that seems to follow everywhere. It’s like being a person with a rare skin condition – people everywhere will be nice because they know they should be, but at the end of the day, you can tell they’re overcompensating and you’re really just an it.

The painful part is I was prepared to be a social outcast and rejected from the beginning, mostly because I already felt that way. What I didn’t count on was that once I was finally comfortable with myself as a woman, I would actually want to be accepted. It’s hard to have a good sense of self-worth when part of it is dependent on how the world treats you. You can say, “fuck you” to the world and pretend you don’t care all you want, but it’s impossible for it to not taint you.

Hard lessons and harder realities are never easy to swallow, but sometimes you have to face facts that the thing you want, like a loving relationship with another woman, is just not going to happen.

Being lonely sucks.

Ashley