I’d like to preface this post with a caveat that I’m not going to kill myself. But these are the emotions I’m going through and what I’m currently feeling. I’m not going to pretend it’s not true.

Reasons why I should kill myself:

• I’m suffering from debilitating social retardation. I’m literally at a loss to understand how it is other people get out in the world and make contacts and friends. The friends I have that aren’t online I can count on less than one hand.
• I’m all alone, and that’s not likely to change. Because of the aforementioned issue, I’m much more likely to find the Lost Ark than meet a partner. Throw into that the added mix that I’m a transsexual lesbian, and I might as well just resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life.
• The more I get into it, the more I realize I’ll never achieve my dream of making a movie. I didn’t spend the time in my youth getting into programs that would help get me a foot in the door. Yes, they are geared towards youth, many internships won’t accept people over 30. Trying to make one on my own guerilla style is a ludicrous notion because of point one. I would need friends willing to do massive favours to accomplish such a feat. It simply isn’t going to happen.
• I’m jobless and really have no amiable prospects, nor do I feel like I really have the mental capacity to find a job right now.
• I’ve become this pathetic recluse toiling away on creative projects that will never see the light of day and lost in the imagination that soon they will propel me into the career I’ve always dreamed of.
• I’m really never going to see my daughter again, and if I do, she’ll be so old that we’ll be strangers. There’s no practical reason for her to want to be part of my life, and that’s something I’ll never get back.
• I’m completely broke and can’t support myself. The end of the rope is getting closer.

Reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself:

• Apparently I have so much to live for…

Ashley