Fail Safe
I am a failure as a human being.
If you’re actually bothering to read my blog, I’m sure your initial reaction is “no you’re not,” but it’s true. Regardless of whatever obstacles I’ve had to face, what excuses I want to use, what crutches I want to lean on, it doesn’t change a thing. The simple fact is I’m simply not leading the life that I want to. The even harder truth is that I’m not capable of leading the life I want to.
Today I went to a casual get together of screenwriters. For me the experience was an utter disaster. I wasn’t able to talk to a single person the whole time and eventually just left and went home. I’m not anti-social, I’m non-social. So here I am taking a long hard look at myself, wanting to fulfill my dreams of working in an industry that requires a high level of social networking and self promotion to achieve any modicum of success. Where do I fit in? I find myself trying not to cry as I try to find the courage to actually go to this thing. In fact the only reason I did go is I knew I would be even more depressed and upset with myself if I didn’t. And the results were… well… I may as well not have gone. The simple fact is I will not have a career in this industry. I am not that type of person. For this reason, I can’t stop crying.
I’m also having to admit that I have a genuine social phobia. This is why I spend day after day alone with only my aging cat to keep me company. This is why I can’t pick up the phone and instead let it go to voice mail and respond via email. This is why I am alone on a Saturday night, looking out at the balconies of other buildings and seeing people talking, laughing, having fun, interacting… and wondering why THAT seems like such an enigma to me. This is why I’ve been in Vancouver for 6 years now and can count the number of friends I have on one hand. As painful as all this is, it’s a sullen pain as opposed to the stabbing pain I feel from my failed attempts at human interaction. For this reason, I can’t stop crying.
I’ve always just conceded that I suffer from a terrible shyness, but I have to admit, it seems a lot more severe than that. I actually love the idea of an I Am Legend type scenario… being the last person alive on Earth. I seem to be most comfortable when I’m alone and not reminded of the fact that I’m not interacting with other people.
Those are the times I feel least like a failure as a human being.
Ashley
Funny, I don’t see this when we spend time together. We’ve gone to the movies. We’ve chatted when you’ve given me lifts home from downtown. We’ve met for coffee. I hope we can meet up some more for dinner, movies, coffee, whatever. I still have to introduce you to your local Turkish food restaurant!
I know, however, that you’re different when you’re around more people. Probably not as comfortable, because you react differently, and that’s with people you know. In a room full of strangers, I can only imagine.
Some people are more one-on-one people. We can’t all be networkers. If you want something enough, you’ll find a way to make it work. I bet there are screenwriters who can’t handle social gatherings either. Certainly there are plenty of writers like that.
hey sweetheart…
i’m so proud of you that you got the courage up to go. you’re not a failure, you’re a person with unique challenges. so you have social anxiety issues? i’m guessing some of that will fall away when you’re in a better place emotionally. you may need meds for the rest of it.
but ultimately you will survive and you will thrive.
oh. and remember. the whole deal about i am legend was that robert neville _was_ the bogey man for the new society of the “infected.” in short, he had to sit back and watch a new society arise in which he was irrelevant.
in other words, you don’t get off that easy.