There’s a very interesting element of transitioning that previously had not occurred to me.  I want me.

It’s no big surprise that trans girls are in a situation where they are inventing and creating themselves.  This starts as a process of conception and ideas about what is female and evolves over time to become a much more natural woman.  I talked a couple posts ago about how I feel like I’m a full female now, but I’m still maturing as a woman, growing into my social identity.  I think this is a process every woman goes through to a certain extent.  There is the pubescent period where the girl becomes a woman and becomes familiar with their adult body and mentally she grows into the beautiful woman she will become.

Of course no one can say for certain what comprises to make us the people we are.  All we know for certain is that it’s a combination of key factors that go into making us unique individuals.  Complex dynamics are created as a result of our genetics, upbringing, environment, education, social circle, economics and many other factors all go towards shaping our outlooks and goals.  For a genetic girl, this is quite a natural process and is one everyone goes through it like it or not.  Most teenage girls I’m guessing have hopes and dreams like any other, but they haven’t “designed” the woman they see themselves as.  They just be themselves and grow up.

For many transgirls, it’s different for bunch of different reasons.  First of all is the experience.  We’ve gotten to live part of our lives in a different body and gender, and while that was mostly detrimental for us, it does give us a different perspective.  We’re not young, dumb and full of cum anymore.  (well at least some of us)  We’re older and have careers, families, mutual funds and broken dreams.  The other major factor is that many girls, like me, grew up both jealous of and lustful towards women, what we assumed to be the opposite sex.  It creates this interesting situation where a person is already sexually aware, attracted to women and sets about making themselves as one.  What is the inevitable result?

Today I look at myself in the mirror and I can genuinely see a girl who I think is quite cute.  I’ve found my own sense of style and in a few ways it wasn’t what I expected, but it totally works for me.  Today as I’ve been semi-homeless, I’ve just camped out in a coffee shop all day in the “hip” area of town.  As I’ve sat here in front of the window and watching all the people traffic as I write, I’ve seen a small handful of girls who completely just jumped out of the crowd at me and all of them shared many similar traits.  They were all fairly thin, had noticeably red hair, horn rimmed glasses that not too long ago would be considered “geeky” and have a sense of style about them that is a comfortable cross between trendy fashionable and avant guard bohemian.  Who does that look like?

Yup.  I made myself into the girl that I want to date.  I’m guessing that I’m not unique in this fact.  I think many girls end up making themselves into and becoming the woman they most want to have in their lives.  The kind that sticks out and attracts them.  After all, we’ve done the fucking research.  Every woman we’ve passed on the street is like a slap in the face reminding us what we were cheated of.  This sort of melding occurs where the woman we love and the woman we envy become one in the same.  I remember once my ex accused me of not wanting her but really wanting a version of me with tits.  Now I suppose I have to admit that’s become true in ways no one could have predicted.  I don’t know if it’s detrimental having two ideals so closely intertwined, but I don’t really have a choice anymore.  Whether or not they end up separating, only the future can say.

Until then… I’d totally do me.

Ashley