Back in the Box…
This is a follow up to my previous entry which has caused a bit of disturbance. Actually it’s caused a shitstorm of activity and a less than healthy heaping of scorn sent in my direction.
First some background:
I was recently contacted by my ex who is again trying to put off me having access to seeing my daughter and in my disapproval of the situation became naturally antagonistic and harassing. (repeatedly calling someone’s home at 6am when you know people are asleep is harassment, plain and simple) This was later exasperated by my therapist who filled me with less than ample hope about the situation and even suggested at one point that perhaps it might be workable for me to see my daughter if I agreed to do it in guy mode. A more disturbing and damaging notion I have never before entertained. How do you weigh access to your children with your self-worth. If I were going to do that, why would I have just not transitioned and be miserable, the results are not very dissimilar. Back in the box Ashley.
And then my recent blog entry which encompassed some ideas and observations that had been rattling around in my head for some time now. And it poured out.
In my fantastic wisdom that comes with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight and in rereading my entry, I have to admit that I was extremely judgmental, condemning and insulting. When I write, I like to be inciting. I’ve always enjoyed saying that if what I say offends you, you’re welcome. The truth is that I don’t actively want to offend anyone, just provoke them. I see people as lazy, complacent creatures by nature. We’ve been trained from birth by our advertocrasy to not question the things we should and to question the things we should be holding most dear. No one is immune to this, not even myself and it’s an aspect I find myself constantly battling within myself. This is what makes me a culture jammer at heart. I see incredible benefit to getting a cattle prod in the ass and think we need to be made uncomfortable every now and then, especially in those areas that we choose not to question. I don’t pretend for a moment to have the answers, I’m not smart enough. But when I see questions being unasked, it makes me want to jab that nerve with an icepick to bring it to the surface. Right or wrong, this is where I’m coming from.
Regardless, I can see in retrospect how angry and ranting my post came across. And while I do still agree with some of the core ideas in the article and stand behind them, my tone was completely uncalled for, and regardless of the fact that I wasn’t mentioning specific people (is making broad generalizations rather than single accusations really any better?), it really is impossible for the words I wrote to not be inflamitory and insulting. So to all the Dommes, subs, inner children, furries, geeks, dorks, wastoids (Ferris Bueler reference), and any other individual who felt slighted, picked on, demeaned or marginalized…  I apologize. My intent was never to insult anyone and I made the mistake of writing while not in the right frame of mind and compounded that error by publishing it.
And then the shitstorm. Understandably I’ve endured a certain amount of retaliation today as a result of my article. I really didn’t think it would have that sort of impact. I guess I figured those who didn’t agree would dismiss it and move on. That 20/20 hindsight thing again. I’m a big believer in consequences for actions, so I have no choice but to accept the consequences for what I wrote, and that’s why I’m apologizing now. This most likely will not go down as my most out of my proudest moments. To be clear, for all those people, I think it’s totally cool you do what you do. I sincerely believe that if it works for you and you’re not hurting other people, then by all means go for it. I really don’t have to understand the furry community to think that it’s great that they get whatever they get out of it. You go girl, or guy, or other! The point I was trying to address is the core issue of the struggle for identity in the trans community and some of the problems I see with it.
The other part of the consequences has to do with my involvement in the Transgender Resource Center in Second Life. As many people may know, I’m co-director of the center and that puts me in a position of leadership. I am also a writer who is strongly opinionated and has a big mouth. I know I can come off as a self-righteous bitch sometimes, that’s why I always keep an extra supply of feet around. I’ve always said that I will not apologize for who I am. I’ve worked really hard to be the fullest me that I am, and I fully understand that I can be abrasive and accept I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. So it disturbs me when I’m receiving recommendations that given my position at the TRC, I should consider not publishing my blog or doing so under a pseudonom. Get back in the box, Ashley. I understand where they are coming from. In my position, yes it’s hard for my comments to not affect the organization as a whole. On the other hand, the name of the website is ashleylynch.com. These are my own personal views and perspectives and pass the scrutiny of only one person before publication. To ask me to stop talking or pretending to be someone else goes against who I am. (Hmmm, kind of ironic in light of my last entry, but that’s a matter of semantics.) I’ve worked damn hard to try and keep my personal and professional (peer support/advocacy) lives separate. When I am at the TRC and in peer support mode I am conscious about the feelings of others and try not to bring whatever personal opinions or ideologies I might have to the table. If you ask me my opinion, I’ll tell you straightforward as long as you can agree that it’s just my opinion and that everyone should form their own. To assert that I am in the equivalent of public office and must have everything in my personal life subject to the scrutiny of my position puts me in an untenable position. Because if it’s put to me that I can either have the position of peer support volunteer, or the freedom to express my opinions, then I know which one is going to lose.
Because Ashley is not going back in the box.
Ashley
Don’t go back in the box hon but thank you so much for that response. I just finished posting a comment to your last post that I admit was a finger wag. As gentle a one as I could manage but a finger wag nevertheless. Just as I hit submit I get a notice you’ve posted an apology and I just want to give you major hugs for coming around so quickly on this. We don’t want you back in the box hon, really, you have a ton of people who love you at the TRC and we need to be challenged. That said, you did recognize where you were over the line and you set things straight. Again with much love, Jani
RESIGN FROM THE TRC
Ashley: No.
Ashley, while some might see this as an incomplete retraction (it does not do all that Jani asked in her comment on the previous post, which you would not have had a chance to see before you posted this), you have clearly offered a complete apology. Well done: saying sorry and admitting that you were in the wrong is not always an easy thing to do. On the public office front, what you need to remember is that it is not what we are that counts in marketing terms, but what others think we are. We might want freedom of expression to be distinct from prominent positions, but we cannot prevent others from linking them together. There are no easy answers to getting the balance right (although commenter number 2 seems to think there is). Best wishes.
Ash, I really think you need to resign from your position running the TRC if you want to feel free to express your opinions. Until you do your opinions will always be seen as representing the TRC. No matter how you qualify them that they are yours. You have a choice: be less vocal or give up your position. Maintaining your attitudes and appearing to state the position of the TRC just creates division.
I highly doubt you could do the first choice I presented. Your post seemed to start off well here, recanting the previous blog due to overwhelming negative responses. You blew it in the last paragraph though …. making it all to obvious you can not even get to the end of a piece of writing without causing division.
Nice and ironically the same thing comes back to haunt you that you dealt. When I was forcibly ejected from the TRC administration I was told I could still be at the TRC. So this means you are not being rejected from the TRC as a member, right?
Again, what you say on your blog affects quite a few people. I can deal with it personally (although not forget) as I am used to moderating trans lists where flame wars erupt constantly, often directed at the moderators. Where you step over the line though is the fact that you have forced already depressive into a more depressed state. Driving some of them to contemplate suicide.
Isn’t causing that the very anathema of what the TRC is about? It is supposed to help trans people in such a depressed position. Or did I misunderstand the goals of the TRC when I joined it? Your appology for your previous blog post rings hollow since we all know it will not change your actions. To start healing the trans community on SL you can not be in a position where you appear to speak for the TRC.
Ashley: I have been neither ejected from my position at the TRC, nor asked to leave, nor unwelcome there.
Well Ash, last I checked I was still a TRC member. As such, *I* am asking you to step down as you are splitting the SL trans community the way it stands now.
In your own words in this very post:
“Because if it’s put to me that I can either have the position of peer support volunteer, or the freedom to express my opinions, then I know which one is going to lose.”
Okay, choose.
Ashley: Then it’s a good thing I don’t value your opinion, Kara. At this point you could ask me to turn the kettle on, and I’d have to stop and wonder what subversive trap you were laying. If I won’t trust you with boiling water, what makes you think I’d base life decisions on your input?
Unfortunately, what’s going on is an example of why I won’t get involved in volunteer positions of power. I’ll admit, I can see the difference between ‘Ashley the TRC Volunteer’ and ‘Ashley the Writer’, mostly because I’m also a writer, but I also know most people can’t, and they expect a single “presentation” of someone who’s visibly representing a group/company/whatever, erring on the side of extreme professionalism.
The timing of the post was pretty poor, though, and I see a lot of people allowing the embers to be stirred by it. I’m not one of those, but I find myself continuing to be saddened and dismayed that there’s misunderstandings on all sides.
A few brief comments on this. Firstly, thanks for apologising. I do think that you should put a disclaimer at the top of any post which is going to be a bit controversial, and impacts on the TG community in SL. I also think that it is best to just not get into some of these judgements in the first place.
As for some people trying to lever Ashley out of her postion at the TRC, I’m sorry that doesn’t wash. Ash has put a lot of time into the TRC in approxmiately the last 14 months that I’ve known her there. She is there for people and cares about people. Also, importantly, Ash hasn’t contravened TRC policy, and her blog is outside of the TRC. I do restate though, that it is important to draw the line clearly between your own opinions on your blog and your behaviour at the TRC – and to be just be a bit more moderate, when your blog may impact on people’s perception of the TRC.
Analise
I’m sorry Ash, being almost sorry because you realised after the fact you overstepped a line is not worth anything in my book. I dont think anyone who identifies with any of the communities that you so soundly attacked will accept it either.
There are somethings you just can’t take back.
Ashley: That’s their (and your) decision to make. If it’s just easier to hate me for my mistakes, I understand. I’ve apologized, and not “almost”, but meaningfully, and intend to move on. Anyone who wishes to linger in the past can do so, but I won’t be there.
I know I usually take a backseat to all of this drama, but I feel like I have to publicly say something. It is just like in real life hun, prospective employers will google your name and find out what you are like before hiring you. That is what some people do here, they see your blog and then apply that to things about the TRC. Even more so considering all the past blogs you have posted mentioning the TRC. It is fine if people have opinions and the like, but sometimes they should be kept to oneself. I know I have little room to talk since I am pretty much every point of what you hate. I just hope you can understand all the detractors of accepting your job as the co-director and all it really entails. It is a crap job.
Then as a second point, you said that you would choose to be able to express your own thoughts and mind over being at the TRC. Sounds all to familiar to what you called a “fetish” in your last post. You require the basic need to fully express yourself, some people in a virtual world like to be something they are not in the real world. It is something fun for them, and make them more relaxed and open. Last thing we need is for a bunch of new people coming in, and being scared out of their minds. Not being able to find out that they are, in fact, not a freak.
Ashley: A very insightful comment Miya, thank you. To just make a few points clear, you are not every point of what I hate. In fact contrary to popular belief I’m not a hateful person, just a frustrated person who occasionally vents, and in this instance reached a boiling point around other issues in my life and this topic became a misguided rant that I regret not having given the benefit of a night’s sleep before arrogantly posting it. I realize it’s probably on par with a genetic male telling his trans wife in a fit of anger “you’re not even a real woman!” While he really may not mean it and regret saying it, in the wrong instance it becomes painfully clear what he thinks of her. My previous blog was not me on a bad day, but me at my worst. I’m a very cynical person by nature and have a inevitable contempt for all people on some level. Not a trait I’m proud of, and I actively work to overcome it, but sometimes it gets the better of me and I succumb to severe foot in mouth disease. I actually do like you, Miya. I’ve always considered you a friend, and still do. I also have no intrinsic troubles with your furrydom or other activities, and it wasn’t even the point of what I was writing about, even if that’s what the final, completely botched product became.
I did point out the irony of the fact that I seemed to be embracing and lamenting many of the same traits and principles as those I was wrongly railing against. And yes, it is a shit job, with shit hours and the pay sucks. But at the end of the day I find what I do very fulfilling and important. I’ve always said that I don’t understand how people can be so ready to fight when it’s so much more productive to do the opposite. And yet I completely missed that mark in a big way here. There will come a time when I will stop apologizing for my past mistakes and will move forward with thoughts of healing and positive change in mind. I will continue to make mistakes to be sure, but the beauty of actually learning from your mistakes is that hopefully you won’t end up repeating them. I learned a hard lesson here about how my role and my life are not as separate as I would hope, how my words outside the TRC really do affect people, and just about tolerance in general. I understand that it will be too much to bear for some people and they will choose to just turn their backs on me, which I have to accept. Those are the consequences of my actions that I now have to deal with. But should those people choose that they can bury that hatchet in the future, I will be there to be their friend again.
A haiku for you:
Controversial girl
Ashley always speaks her mind.
It’s part of her charm.
“To be painfully blunt (and why stop now), this is merely a roleplaying fantasy that you’ve taken to extreme levels and tried to secure a thinly built connection in attempts to bootstrap it into legitimacy. ie. You are delusional and either need a reality check or a councilor.”
and…
“To be clear, for all those people, I think it’s totally cool you do what you do. I sincerely believe that if it works for you and you’re not hurting other people, then by all means go for it.”
The moving finger writes, and, having writ,
Moves on; not all your piety nor wit
shall cause that pen to cross out half a line,
nor all your tears wash out a word ot it.
Ashley: That’s why I didn’t delete my post, which would be the easier answer. I know nothing can be gained from sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn’t exist. I’d rather learn from the situation so that I might grow as a person.
Don’t resign from anything.
Who would wanna be part of a club that wouldn’t allow you to have your own opinions? You’re a human being, not a figurehead.
I thought the supposedly hate-filled rant actually had a lot of truth at it’s core, even if it did ramble into a rather grouchy and intolerant finish. Keep writing what you’re thinking. Get it all down on paper/computer screen. Just know that people are reading, and they will shit up your nose if you don’t respect what they hold dear — just as you would. It’s human nature.
PS: Looking forward to you moving to Vancouver. Hurry up already.
I agree with Robin, and I hope you don’t stop writing things that make people think. It’s good that you apologized for the harsh tone, even though you knew before you wrote it that a lot of people wouldn’t accept it. I’m sure you have been able to help a lot of people, no matter what other things they might be into, because you care about “the core issue of the struggle for identity” more than anything else. I’m actually surprised that your heated passion for keeping the focus on the unifying issues has caused so many people to respond negatively. Maybe it is just hard sometimes for people to think critically and not take things personally at the same time.