Vantage Point…

Perspective would seem to have to do a lot with how your live your life. I think this makes sense to everyone. But where is the limit?

I do believe in the power of positive thinking. I know that when I project myself a certain way, people are more likely to pick up on that and fall in line. Our attitude and perspective on particular things can indeed impact the results we get. It’s true that any observed subject is never truly observed in its natural state because by the very act of observing, the subject is being changed.

So in terms of passing, perspective goes a long way. Not only that, but dealing with the obstacles of being trans on a daily basis, having a positive outlook helps to overcome them with grace and confidence. Definitely a helpful skill.

When we think of discrimination, often we have a very black and white view of it. We picture the two opposite spectrums of total prejudice and hatred to complete acceptance. What is harder to deal with are the states in between. It’s the people who see me at work, and decide they’re safer off regarding me as a man. It’s the lesbian girl who’s interested in me until she finds out that I’m trans. It’s any number of ways in which I’m not obviously slighted, but still hurt on an emotional level. It has the feel of death by a million paper cuts.

So in terms of perspective in overcoming this obstacle, it can have a feel of going against the grain too much. There’s a point at which you’re no longer adjusting your perspective to move forward positively to where your perspective has moved into the realm of naiveness or blind stupidity. It’s like that elastic band only stretches so far before it will break. At that point you pretty much just have to accept that you’re not going to be regarded as your proper gender by a large majority of people.

I think most trans people know this at the outset and decide it’s still worth it, but this is cold comfort when you’re lonely and just want some intimacy, and around every corner you turn, there’s really only rejection and it is BECAUSE you’re a transsexual… a half-she thing. Bottom line – not a real girl.

Part of me wonders why I’m bothering at all, despite my moments of intense loneliness. Not having the appropriate genitalia adds a certain amount of futility to the whole process of looking for intimacy. I’m quite certain that MSP doesn’t understand how actually harmful being forced to live with mismatched body parts and be single. It’s depressing and fatalistic. And I’m sure they aren’t considering that for a moment as they will potentially decide that I need to live 6 more months in my chosen gender role to fulfill their assigned requirements beyond any doubt.

Again, I’m very, very frustrated. And at times angry. And at other times devastated. Part of me wonders how the fuck I’m supposed to make it through this.

Ashley

The Brass Ring…

For many transgirls, there is one singular goal in mind… SRS. While getting surgery has always been part of my agenda, it has not been THE goal. My goal has always been to integrate successfully into society as a woman and be able to live my life fully and more richly than I was able to in the past. So far, I’ve done just that.

I also know that suicide rates are higher amongst post-op trangirls than pre-op. The reason for this being that so many girl attach a sense of identity to SRS, like having a vagina will suddenly make them female. But what they discover is that their life hasn’t really changed all that much and everyone still views them exactly as they did before. So suddenly they are stuck without anymore goals to achieve and their life hasn’t really improved any, and it’s depressing.

I was determined not to fall into this trap, and so my goal was always about getting my life on track as Ashley. At this point and time, I can honestly say that I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and I’m very excited about the direction my life is taking. So really at this point there feels like only one last obstacle keeping me from living my life fully and completely, and that is the surgery.  This is not about me completing my transition… I feel like I’ve transitioned already.  This is about me getting a very large obstacle out of the way so I can move on with my adult life.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I went in for a psych assessment to be recommended for surgery readiness. For those are aren’t familiar with the Canadian system, I’ll summarize: we have universal healthcare in Canada, and in the province of British Columbia, that includes SRS. The requirements to get province funded SRS are that you have lived at least one year of RLE (real life experience) and you are recommended by province approved psychiatrists. It can be a lot of red tape to work through, but if you dot your i’s , you can make it through.

The assessment went well. The psychiatrists seemed generally happy with where I was in my life and my outlook, and said that they were recommending me for surgery. Very good news. This would mean I would be on target to having my surgery in April.

But…

As part of the RLE, you need to provide letters from landlords, employers, etc… saying that they’ve know you as a female for at least one year. I worried about this part because I had moved around and hadn’t really worked except for the volunteer efforts for the greater part of 6 months. So I provided a letter from my therapist attesting I had been fulltime for a year, from my bank, and from the volunteer organization I do trans peer support for. I also provided a landlord letter from the time I stayed in the US and a letter from my current employment. I even provided the address to this blog that contains dated documents from the entire year so they can actually look up the exact day I went fulltime, complete with a continuous progression of photos. The only potential gap was the 3 months I stayed with my parents in Saskatchewan, but I figured that would be more than covered by the 3 letters I had attesting I was full time for the entire year. Or so I thought. The shrinks were less than positive about that, and were also unsure about the fact that some of the time was spent in the US and not in Canada. Apparently you’re not living fulltime if you leave the country. I forgot to mention that to everyone I met in Washington, DC when I introduced myself as Ashley. Or the fact that there would be an assumption that because I cannot prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was fulltime in the 3 months I stayed with my parents, that I had gone fulltime for 4 months, put it in the closet for 3 and came back out for another 5 months. I’m sorry, but that’s beyond ridiculous. Actually it’s more than ridiculous… it’s a bit insulting too.

Now I should point out as well that it’s not the assessors that make this decision. It’s MSP (Medical Service Plan) that is making the decision of whether or not to finance my surgery. The assessors are merely the psychiatric gate to give a green light to if they feel I should have surgery. Then I need to pass the MSP red tape of proving I’ve been fulltime for a year and they should approve it if they agree that I’m ready.

Now all is not lost, the assessors left me with the impression that I had a 50/50 chance of getting the surgery now or having to wait. They said MSP may come back and say I need to do another 6 months of RLE to be sure. Not the end of the world of course, but because of work constraints, this would mean I would need to wait until 2010 to get my surgery. I really don’t want to have to wait that long.

The other extremely disappointing aspect of this is, while surgery has not been an obsessive aspect of my transition by any means, I was suddenly put in a position where it felt in grasp. I got excited about it becoming real. I found myself laying there imagining what I would look like naked after. I have been feeling how wonderful it will be to not have to worry about if people can see a bulge in my pants or in front of my skirt. I could feel the incredible relief of finally having all this bullshit put behind me so I can just concentrate on my life. It was at my fingertips. And to suddenly have it pushed back away from me… I don’t want to say it feels devastating, but not far from it.

So now I wait for the decision. I was told it would be towards the end of October until I heard a result. Since then my mood has been anywhere from edgy and bitch to downright depressive. I don’t suspect that will change any until I finally hear. I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking and I want to believe it will come back in my favour. I want to will it happen. But at the same time, I know I need to emotionally prepare myself for the fact that it isn’t going to happen.

I’m very, very frustrated.

And I hope they read this blog.

Ashley (since Sept. 2007 dammit)

Taking the Good with the Bad…

I’m now getting to a point where my life is feeling stable. Having a home and a career definitely helps, and while things may be a struggle right now, I can definitely see a bright horizon. Let me just take an opportunity to say that I like my life right now. I like who I am, I like the person I see in the mirror and I like where I’m going. This is a sharp contrast from 2 years ago when I was contemplating suicide. About the only thing I don’t like is that I miss my daughter like crazy.

However I had two events occur today that really gave me a sense of “coming of age” that I wanted to share. Custom actually dictates that I render the bad news first.

I’ve had an awkward situation arise at work. Yesterday as I was attending to the ongoing beautification and “de-boy messifying” of my store, there was a customer who was lingering around and looking odd, so I was a bit suspicious. Then as he was about to leave, he turns back to me and says “I just wanted to say you look really good.” My immediate reaction was that I felt a little insulted. There was a much prettier girl working with me, and it was the way he said it, with a tone of surprise, like he was shocked that I look good. The real compliment in my mind reads “I just wanted to say that you look really good… for a transsexual.” But I believe he meant it as a compliment, so I thanked him. Then he postures and bit and asks, “so how about it, do you want to do something sometime?” Now some of you reading might be thinking, “Ashley got herself a man!” But you’d be forgetting two very important things… that I’m a lesbian, and that this guy was a total skeeze. I was a little caught off guard and was not expecting to be hit on, but once I recovered, I politely thanked him for the offer and told him I wasn’t into guys. “So what are you into then?” he asked, seeming confused like there was no other choice. I offered to him the obvious one “Girls,” and then hammered the point home leaving no room for uncertainty by telling him flat out, “I am a lesbian.” He didn’t seem to believe me but accepted the answer and went off.

All well and good, I got hit on by a skeezy guy and had a story to tell. But the next day, he came into the store again. I didn’t notice him at first as I was busy moving product around, but he walked past behind me and said “Hey there” as he touched my arm and gave me a look. Okay, now this is too much. I could even deal with him hitting on me again, but touching me? That’s a big no-no without my permission. I let it go, and I informed all my coworkers about this guy. But now I have to be concerned about if I have a stalker. Is this guy going to completely harass me at work? Am I going to have to keep an eye out when I leave work? Am I going to have to get the police involved?

I suppose this is all just part of being a girl, and that guys like this are a constant problem that many have to deal with. I won’t let it burden me, but at the same time I can’t help but feel no one should have to put up with it.

And then the good news… I arrived home to a letter from MSP acknowledging that yes, I am indeed on the waiting list to have a psych evaluation for surgery readiness approval. The letter got me extremely excited. I started imagining walking around in clothes that were snug and not worrying about if my bulge was showing. I pictured the perfectness of my naked body. I felt instantly giddy and rejuvenated.

The next day I called the office of the psychiatrists as instructed in the letter to book my evaluation appointment. The woman on the other end of the line informed me with great humor that a spot had just become available at the end of the week if that wasn’t too soon, and that otherwise it would be months before I could schedule an appointment. I’m trying to avoid all notions or allusions of fate at times like this, because I’m all too aware it isn’t circumstance that brought me to this point in my life, it is my determination and desire. In fact I’d rather believe that I’ve become such an unstoppable force in the universe that time and space part ways in my path like Moses in the Red Sea. Yes, I like that. Next week I’ll compare myself to Jesus.

So there you go, a week full of firsts and excitement. All I can say is I have no doubts that 2008 will continue to be an incredible rollercoaster that will last my memory for a lifetime.

Ashley

Letters to the Editor…

I’m a fairly open and honest person.  As a result, I find that I put myself out there in the world and I’m not ashamed of who or what I may be despite whatever inner demons I struggle with.  The facts are simple, I am a woman.

I’m also a person who constantly craves companionship.  Having an empty bed makes me feel sad and alone.  As a result, I enjoy socializing on a variety of personals sites catering to various lifestyles.  Despite the fact that I found the woman who later become my ex on a personals site, I still hold out hope that there are genuine relationships to be made.  I’m very clear about who and what I am in my profiles.  The first thing I tell people is that I’m a transsexual woman.  I figure anyone who has the potential of being intimate with me in any regard deserves to know this fact.  I’d never want to be accused of deception after the fact.  The second thing is that I have a non-negotiable rule that says I expect to be treated as you would any other woman.  Anyone who can’t abide by my conditions can just move on.

One of the side effects of doing this is every couple weeks I receive an email from some guy who for whatever reason has taken it upon himself in almost a crusade-like fashion to cut me down and tell me that no matter what I do, I’ll never be a woman.  It always befuddles me that someone is willing to expend the energy to attempt to hurt another individual who really has no connection to them whatsoever.  I can understand people not being interested in me because I’m transsexual, but to actively want to demean me for it is a bit absurd to me.  First of all they’re supposing that I actually care what they think or that their opinion matters to me.  Second, there’s an attitude that they will be the lightbulb that goes off over my head and I will finally accept the truth, that I’m really just a gay dude in a dress.

However, today I received the email to end all emails (at least so far) and I want to share it with you.  So here it is for your reading pleasure:

Why do some homosexuals find it unacceptable to live and let live? I don’t care if you but on a dresss and pretend you are a girl. It’s none of my business. But you apparentlyaren’t happy with people doing whathey want and monding their own business, you want everyone else to pretend you are a girl too, and you want to ignore the common rules of civility along with the AUP of the group and make every guy or gal looking at girls see your mug. I\Ig you get off on intruding into other people’s business like that then youd make a good spammer. Spammers don’t care about manners either. They only care about what they persoinally want and to hell with everyone else and what they do the forums they abuse. Your momma should have taught you some manners. Since she didn’t, perhaps losing your account will teach you to respect the rules even if you never learn to respect others.

It’s guys like you who are the reason so many people get so pissed off with homos that they don’t care when they hear about one getting beaten up. When people can’t take their kid to the mall without some kook causung trouble in the mens room because he thinks a mall toilet is his personal homo bath house, when he can’t rent an adult movie without being hit on by freaks, when he can’t even shop for groceries in some areas without runnng a gauntlent of homos whio think the supermarket is there for perverts, then they reach the point where they figure the homo who got his ass kicked asked for it. Inconsiderate, rude, intruders like you can thank yourselves for that.

You can take your crap over to the “TG” group where it belongs or to the homo group where it’s somewhat more appropriate. Every time I see your mug in the “female” catagory I absolutely without question will report the abuse and I hope they will enforce the AUP and get rid of you. You can pretend to be a woman all you want. You have no right to damand that everyone else does, mister.

Show a little respect for others. The rules exist for a reason. People pay good money for membership here, and we deserve better that to havce the service screwed up by rude inconsiderate freaks who think the ruls don’t apply to them.

I have to be honest and say that it scares me a little to know that there’s still people out there in the world that think like this.  This particular morsel of wisdom came from Mississippi.  No real surprise there.  It’s things like this that reinforce why I chose a place like Vancouver to live.  Even though the occasional thinking like that does occur here, it is not publicly supported and there’s social ramifications for displaying such behavior.

I’m thinking the best thing to do is introduce this guy to the Angry Ebay Guy.

Ashley

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Sloth and Wrath…

Recently was Pride week.  I should be very interested in pride week.  But I’m not.

I definitely fit the bill for Pride week, that’s for sure.  Of the GLBT community, I can claim ownership over two of those capitol letters.  But Pride isn’t just about GLBT, even if that is the main focus.  I could also have ample opportunity to participate on the premise of alternative lifestyles, which I can also claim association for.

As a transgirl, I’m not someone who is in hiding or living in stealth.  I’m out to the people I work with, if someone asks me, I’ll answer point blank.  As much as I want to just blend in and be another girl, I’m not going to delude myself into thinking I pass all the time or even can.  So I live a very open and honest life, and I make it very clear as a non-negotiable boundary that I expect to be treated like any other girl and given the same respect.  So far so good, and it’s the method I’ve found to be what I think is the healthiest way to live.

As a lesbian I’m very open about that as well.  As the girls I work with start to go on about how hot some guy is, it usually illicits a sound of comical disgust from me as I attempt to convince them to embrace their inner lesbian and forgo men altogether.  It rarely works.  But regardless, I have no trouble vocalizing my sexual preference either.  I think perhaps as a transgirl there’s sometimes a misconception that I will be into men, but then you could say that about any woman.

And then there’s that whole week a giant parade dedicated towards celebrating the diversity of these lifestyles and identifications.  A chance to announce to the world that our numbers are not small, that we are part of your community, that we’re not going away, and that we’re people too.  And yet the whole thing irritates the hell out of me.

I think it’s because quite honestly I don’t feel it’s anything that deserves celebrating.  I identify as a woman, not a transsexual.  Transsexual is the obstacle I have to be with to live life in my true identity.  It is the birth defect.  It’s what didn’t work right in the beginning.  I can’t think of a single reason I should celebrate that and tell the world that I’m “happy” I’m a transsexual.  It would be bullshit.  And as far as being a lesbian goes, short of it being a great place to meet other lez girls, I don’t really feel the need to announce it loudly.  My private sex life is just that, it’s my private life.

All this is well and good, but I found that as a girl who is known to be a trans lesbian, I was constantly asked by people if I was going to be participating in the Pride march.  There became to be a real expectation that it would be a high priority on my agenda.  It even got to a point where I felt I SHOULD participate in it.  Indeed, something was wrong with me for not wanting to.  Was I really that ashamed of myself?  Or am I just overcome by an extreme amount of apathy?

I began to wonder why there’s no middle ground between apathetic and pride.  Why do I have to be vocally out about what I am?  Why does the role of advocate seem to come part and parcel with a sexual preference?  Why is it considered a sign of non-self acceptance to just want to live your life and not be a poster child for the community?  There’s no real middle ground here, and it’s a very disconcerting place to be.

Maybe my attitude in the future will change, but right now I’ve made the decision not to concentrate on the troubles of the world, but instead focus on myself.  I think after all these years I’m due.

Ashley

Face/Off…

There are so many obstacles that stand in the way of the trans girl’s ability to pass. One of the most prominent is our face. Genetic males develop much more chiseled features, prominent brows and larger noses as a whole. Then there’s the whole hairline issue. For those who have incredibly masculine features, presenting female in public can be troublesome and even traumatic. This is where Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) comes in. Pioneered by Dr. Ousterhout, this procedure which is now practiced by other select plastic surgeons around the world is designed to where necessary reshape the person’s face for a more feminine appearance. These can include rhinoplasty, chin contouring, jaw shaving, cheek implants, lip lifts, brow debossing, scalp advancing, and much more. This is also easily the most expensive proposition a trans girl can face. You can very easily spend $40,000 to get this surgery done, but for many they feel it really isn’t an option. They NEED it.

Now most women are insecure, and trans women even more so. It’s hard not to stand in front of the mirror and pick apart everything about your face that isn’t feminine. It’s much easier to convince yourself that you need FFS rather than not. I will admit to always feeling a bit blessed with naturally feminine features and a small stature. I’ve continually been told by people that I don’t need any face work. But yet when a dear friend of mine recently went and had her own FFS, part of me became jealous and uncertain. I didn’t think I needed it, but at the same time, wouldn’t life be better if I looked more feminine? Could it really be a bad thing?

There is a service in the UK that provides Virtual FFS. By providing her with a set of photos to work from, she Photoshops an estimate of what you will look like after FFS and pinpoints where she believes you problem areas lie and what will help you become more feminine looking. So out of curiousity, I sent away for the service. The following are the originals and the post-FFS photos as well as the extensive report that followed it. The photos are devoid of makeup and expression with my hair pulled back for a reason, to give her the best material to work from. This would give me the truest estimate of how I would look.

Overall I was very happy with the results I got back and it pretty much just reinforced my previous self assessment that I really don’t need much work, so that was assuring. I do recommend her service for anyone who is even contemplating getting face work done. If nothing else, I think it may help some people be more realistic about what to expect from FFS.

Ashley

THE REPORT:

Hi Ashley.

Please remember that these virtuals are not and could not be 100% accurate but I hope they will give you a good idea of the possibilities and take you a long way towards planning how best to proceed.

The eye takes a little while to tune-in to facial changes so you may be disappointed at first glance. It is best to spend a few days getting used to the pictures before you make any decisions.

Hairline:
It looks like your hairline is perhaps just a little high in the middle and you have some quite strong recession in the corners giving your hairline the masculine “M” shape. I have moved your hairline forwards a little and filled in the corners to give it a more rounded and feminine shape. This can be achieved with a scalp advance or hair transplants. If you were to have forehead work then it would probably make sense to have a scalp advance as both procedures could use the same incision. However, if you don’t have any forehead work then I would recommend transplants as they are less invasive.

Forehead:
Your forehead is within normal female ranges with only a very little bossing over the frontal sinus or the orbital rims. This is quite unusual and could save you a lot of money and physical trauma. You could remove the little bossing you do have but that is quite lot of surgery for a small effect. My advice would be to leave your forehead alone at this stage - if you find you have passability problems at a later stage, it might be time to consider forehead surgery. I followed the link to your website and looked at some of the pictures - I think that given how good you look already, I very much doubt you will need to consider forehead surgery.

Eyebrows:
Your eyebrows already sit in a high feminine position so you do not need a brow lift, however they are a little thick so I have thinned them by plucking along the underside to give them a thinner and more feminine arched shape. This also has the effect of a mini brow lift.

Eyes:
I don’t see any notable problems with your eyes or the soft tissues around them. You have quite large eyes in proportion to your face - this is feminine and a good asset.

Nose:
>From the front your nose is good but from the side it’s a bit long with a humped bridge and not enough of an upwards angle to the base. I have lowered the bridge to remove the hump and I’ve given it a fairly straight profile. I Think a straight nose works much better on a face shape like yours than a scooped out one. This is to do with the area between the top lip and the nose. If you look at this area from the side you can see that it slopes forwards on you. If you put a concave curve in the bridge of the nose it makes it look like the protrusion of the area just below the nose has actually pushed the nose upwards as if you were pushing the tip up with your finger. I have also shortened the tip and given the base more of an upwards angle as seen from the side.

Cheeks:
You have full and rounded feminine cheeks. I do not recommend any changes.

Lips:
The distance between your top lip and the base of your nose is too long. I have given you a lip lift to correct this. I have also rolled the top lip out a little to give it a fuller and more feminine shape.

Chin:
Your chin has a rounded and feminine shape but it also recedes a little so I have moved it forwards for you. This can be achieved with a chin implant or sliding genioplasty. This is not really feminisation - it is more of a beauty enhancement. Also, chin surgery has a lot of complications associated with it like numbness in the chin and bottom lip and reduced mobility in the bottom lip. These effects can last for months and can sometimes be permanent to some degree so chin surgery is a decision you have to take carefully.

Jaw:
There is some width at the corners of your jaw. I personally think this looks fine on you but you could also narrow it if you prefer and some surgeons might recommend that so I am sending a second set of pictures with the jaw narrowed to help you decide - this can be seen more clearly in the frontal shot.

Adam’s apple:
I don’t see an adam’s apple problem in these pictures.

Other points:
You still have quite a strong beard shadow and I have reduced this for you. I can’t get rid of it completely without making your skin look plastic but I have made a big improvement. I’m sure you’re already working on this.

Overall:
Already quite a feminine face in many ways and given your overall body shape in the blog pictures I would say you have reason to be optimistic. The nose and top lip are the key areas for you but the eyebrow plucking and hairline correction are important too. The chin surgery is a nice beauty enhancement but as I said - it needs to be considered carefully.

A good way to view your pictures is to lay the before and after shots side by side and keep looking from one to the other or placing one print on top of the other and quickly flicking between them. However, if you have a way to overlay them on your computer and click between them, that is ideal. For example: if you have “Photoshop” or “Photoshop Elements” you can load up a before and after picture at the same time and then by holding down “Ctrl” and pressing “F6” you can flick between the two. This often works for other photo software too. Alternatively, if you have “Word” or “Open Office Writer” you can open a new document, click on “insert”, choose “picture from file” browse to your before shot and insert it. Without making any adjustments open another new document and do the same thing again but this time with the after shot. You should have 2 tabs at the bottom of the screen – one for each document. If you click on one and then the other you should see the picture change from before to after.

I have improved the colour balance of your second picture so I am sending you a copy of the before shot with the same improvements to make it easier to compare with the after shots.

The pictures are yours so feel free to share them and the assessment with any support groups you are member of if you want some second opinions. Do take prints to your consultations with surgeons or email them in advance - most surgeons welcome them.

Please email me to confirm that the pictures have arrived. if you have any questions about your pictures and your assessment please feel free to email me.

Thank you very much for entrusting me with your virtual FFS - I very much hope the pictures are helpful.

Good luck and best wishes,

Alexandra.

http://www.virtualffs.co.uk

Requiem For a Dream part 2…

Last night I had a dream:

I dreamed that my ex had somehow managed to lay particular charges against me that because of whatever particulars about my situation, it really didn’t matter if I was guilty or not, the end result would be that I was going to jail.

As my trial date approached, I was constantly greeted by concerned friends and family who were angered, frustrated and saddened that they couldn’t do anything to help me.  I constantly was presenting to people with the nonchalance of a person who was dying of cancer and had accepted that this fate could not be changed, mostly for their benefit, but also to mask my intense anger and fear of the situation.

I knew I was going to be spending the best years of my life being continually raped and I was scared as fuck.

Then I woke up.

And I wonder why I don’t get much sleep these days.

Ashley

My Right Foot…

Well I did it.  I finally got moved into my new apartment.

This has been a stressful move to be sure.  Events conspired against making it a smooth transition and I ended up without any furniture for a week and a half.  Once I did finally get all my shit out of storage and to its’ destination, there was still the issue of how to get it inside.  You see the apartment I landed is on the second floor and there’s no elevator.  To make matter worse, I haven’t been in Vancouver for 6 years, and when I was here, I wasn’t Ashley.  So I know almost no one here yet.  Normally this would just be an annoying inconvenience I could slug through.  I’m not afraid of a little hard work, especially when I’m the one who receives the fruits of it’s labours.  But this verged on being an impossible task for me, because I’m partially disabled.

In 2003, I realized what at that point was my dream – I started my own video store.  It was a small store, put together out of my pre-existing resources and spit and polish.  An extremely modest beginning.  But it was mine.  I persevered and ignored all the people who told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it and I made it happen.  And it was slowly starting to work too.  Then one night, on July 5^th 2003, less than two months since I had opened, I was driving home in my piece of shit pickup truck and the unthinkable happened…

I woke up on the side of the road with people milling about all concerned.  I wasn’t entirely sure where or even when I was.  My foot hurt.  My mouth was filled with blood.  I could see the flickering light of flames reflecting off the trees.  I had just survived a car accident.

I was taken to the local hospital and drugged all to hell, then taken to a bigger hospital where I received two major surgeries on my foot and leg from a top pediatrist surgeon.  A full month later, I was finally released from the hospital.  It was another 4 months before I was able to put weight on my foot.  Another 4 months before I could walk without a cane.  A full year of physiotherapy before it was assessed my foot just wouldn’t move any more than it was already.  A mouth full of replacement teeth.

It wasn’t even until well into my hospital stay that I learned the facts of what had occurred.  I was being visited by lawyers and had no understanding of what caused the accident.  I had blanked it all out.  The reality is that a well known car thief had stolen a truck, was completely intoxicated and trying to race and pass someone on a blind hill.  This was also a small rural road with rock on either side, so there was no place to go.  The head on collision was inevitable and I still have no memory of any of it.

I’m really just lucky to be alive.  He got six months in jail.

I persevered and with the help of volunteers who believed in my store and felt bad for me, my business stayed open until I could return.  From there I continued to work and build it from a wheelchair and crutches.  I even expanded my store three times and relocated once over the course of 5 years and eventually sold it for a profit.  This despite proclamations from many people who told me it would be impossible to still run my store.

One of the unfortunate byproducts is that I cannot walk without a limp.  I have very little balance, and I can only get so much use out of my foot in a day.  Stairs are very difficult for me to do without support and (sob) heels are an impossibility.  I am refined to flats.  I still almost cry everytime I go into a shoe store and see all the wonderful candy colored shoes I want to wear but can’t.

So here I am, attempting to get a moving truck full of furniture and boxes up to a second floor via stairs.  How the fuck am I going to manage this one?!  I was able to enlist the help of one of my oldest friends who I originally moved out to Vancouver with back in 1997.  Alone he helped me achieve what was literally physically impossible for me.  Even with him running the stairs, I was still laid up for 2 days as I had to use the wall for support just to get to the bathroom.  If you have the opportunity to be crippled, I really don’t recommend it.

I really owe my friend Robin a great debt of gratitude.  I’ve thanked him profusely already, but I don’t know how to thank him enough.  So be sure to check out his pervy blog here and buy his new book here.  He deserves the support.  It’s really one thing to receive help from a friend when you need it.  It’s a whole other thing to be completely reliant on that help because you are physically incapable of doing what normal people can.  I don’t handle being helpless or reliance very well at all.  I like to do everything for myself.  The debilitating feeling of needing someone no matter what is a horrible one that I loath.

Ashley

Requiem For a Dream…

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed I was visiting my parents with some friends and had a pleasant time.

Just as I was about to leave my parents stood there in the hall with silly looking grins on their faces.  I was confused as to what they were grinning about until I glanced downward.

There was a daughter, happy and giddy to see me.  She ran towards me and I scooped her up in my arms and gave her a big kiss.  She hugged me tight and called me “mommy.”

In my dream I couldn’t stop smiling.

As I woke, I couldn’t stop crying.

Ashley

Just the GirlUWant…

There’s a very interesting element of transitioning that previously had not occurred to me.  I want me.

It’s no big surprise that trans girls are in a situation where they are inventing and creating themselves.  This starts as a process of conception and ideas about what is female and evolves over time to become a much more natural woman.  I talked a couple posts ago about how I feel like I’m a full female now, but I’m still maturing as a woman, growing into my social identity.  I think this is a process every woman goes through to a certain extent.  There is the pubescent period where the girl becomes a woman and becomes familiar with their adult body and mentally she grows into the beautiful woman she will become.

Of course no one can say for certain what comprises to make us the people we are.  All we know for certain is that it’s a combination of key factors that go into making us unique individuals.  Complex dynamics are created as a result of our genetics, upbringing, environment, education, social circle, economics and many other factors all go towards shaping our outlooks and goals.  For a genetic girl, this is quite a natural process and is one everyone goes through it like it or not.  Most teenage girls I’m guessing have hopes and dreams like any other, but they haven’t “designed” the woman they see themselves as.  They just be themselves and grow up.

For many transgirls, it’s different for bunch of different reasons.  First of all is the experience.  We’ve gotten to live part of our lives in a different body and gender, and while that was mostly detrimental for us, it does give us a different perspective.  We’re not young, dumb and full of cum anymore.  (well at least some of us)  We’re older and have careers, families, mutual funds and broken dreams.  The other major factor is that many girls, like me, grew up both jealous of and lustful towards women, what we assumed to be the opposite sex.  It creates this interesting situation where a person is already sexually aware, attracted to women and sets about making themselves as one.  What is the inevitable result?

Today I look at myself in the mirror and I can genuinely see a girl who I think is quite cute.  I’ve found my own sense of style and in a few ways it wasn’t what I expected, but it totally works for me.  Today as I’ve been semi-homeless, I’ve just camped out in a coffee shop all day in the “hip” area of town.  As I’ve sat here in front of the window and watching all the people traffic as I write, I’ve seen a small handful of girls who completely just jumped out of the crowd at me and all of them shared many similar traits.  They were all fairly thin, had noticeably red hair, horn rimmed glasses that not too long ago would be considered “geeky” and have a sense of style about them that is a comfortable cross between trendy fashionable and avant guard bohemian.  Who does that look like?

Yup.  I made myself into the girl that I want to date.  I’m guessing that I’m not unique in this fact.  I think many girls end up making themselves into and becoming the woman they most want to have in their lives.  The kind that sticks out and attracts them.  After all, we’ve done the fucking research.  Every woman we’ve passed on the street is like a slap in the face reminding us what we were cheated of.  This sort of melding occurs where the woman we love and the woman we envy become one in the same.  I remember once my ex accused me of not wanting her but really wanting a version of me with tits.  Now I suppose I have to admit that’s become true in ways no one could have predicted.  I don’t know if it’s detrimental having two ideals so closely intertwined, but I don’t really have a choice anymore.  Whether or not they end up separating, only the future can say.

Until then… I’d totally do me.

Ashley