Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Sloth and Wrath…

Recently was Pride week.  I should be very interested in pride week.  But I’m not.

I definitely fit the bill for Pride week, that’s for sure.  Of the GLBT community, I can claim ownership over two of those capitol letters.  But Pride isn’t just about GLBT, even if that is the main focus.  I could also have ample opportunity to participate on the premise of alternative lifestyles, which I can also claim association for.

As a transgirl, I’m not someone who is in hiding or living in stealth.  I’m out to the people I work with, if someone asks me, I’ll answer point blank.  As much as I want to just blend in and be another girl, I’m not going to delude myself into thinking I pass all the time or even can.  So I live a very open and honest life, and I make it very clear as a non-negotiable boundary that I expect to be treated like any other girl and given the same respect.  So far so good, and it’s the method I’ve found to be what I think is the healthiest way to live.

As a lesbian I’m very open about that as well.  As the girls I work with start to go on about how hot some guy is, it usually illicits a sound of comical disgust from me as I attempt to convince them to embrace their inner lesbian and forgo men altogether.  It rarely works.  But regardless, I have no trouble vocalizing my sexual preference either.  I think perhaps as a transgirl there’s sometimes a misconception that I will be into men, but then you could say that about any woman.

And then there’s that whole week a giant parade dedicated towards celebrating the diversity of these lifestyles and identifications.  A chance to announce to the world that our numbers are not small, that we are part of your community, that we’re not going away, and that we’re people too.  And yet the whole thing irritates the hell out of me.

I think it’s because quite honestly I don’t feel it’s anything that deserves celebrating.  I identify as a woman, not a transsexual.  Transsexual is the obstacle I have to be with to live life in my true identity.  It is the birth defect.  It’s what didn’t work right in the beginning.  I can’t think of a single reason I should celebrate that and tell the world that I’m “happy” I’m a transsexual.  It would be bullshit.  And as far as being a lesbian goes, short of it being a great place to meet other lez girls, I don’t really feel the need to announce it loudly.  My private sex life is just that, it’s my private life.

All this is well and good, but I found that as a girl who is known to be a trans lesbian, I was constantly asked by people if I was going to be participating in the Pride march.  There became to be a real expectation that it would be a high priority on my agenda.  It even got to a point where I felt I SHOULD participate in it.  Indeed, something was wrong with me for not wanting to.  Was I really that ashamed of myself?  Or am I just overcome by an extreme amount of apathy?

I began to wonder why there’s no middle ground between apathetic and pride.  Why do I have to be vocally out about what I am?  Why does the role of advocate seem to come part and parcel with a sexual preference?  Why is it considered a sign of non-self acceptance to just want to live your life and not be a poster child for the community?  There’s no real middle ground here, and it’s a very disconcerting place to be.

Maybe my attitude in the future will change, but right now I’ve made the decision not to concentrate on the troubles of the world, but instead focus on myself.  I think after all these years I’m due.

Ashley

Face/Off…

There are so many obstacles that stand in the way of the trans girl’s ability to pass. One of the most prominent is our face. Genetic males develop much more chiseled features, prominent brows and larger noses as a whole. Then there’s the whole hairline issue. For those who have incredibly masculine features, presenting female in public can be troublesome and even traumatic. This is where Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) comes in. Pioneered by Dr. Ousterhout, this procedure which is now practiced by other select plastic surgeons around the world is designed to where necessary reshape the person’s face for a more feminine appearance. These can include rhinoplasty, chin contouring, jaw shaving, cheek implants, lip lifts, brow debossing, scalp advancing, and much more. This is also easily the most expensive proposition a trans girl can face. You can very easily spend $40,000 to get this surgery done, but for many they feel it really isn’t an option. They NEED it.

Now most women are insecure, and trans women even more so. It’s hard not to stand in front of the mirror and pick apart everything about your face that isn’t feminine. It’s much easier to convince yourself that you need FFS rather than not. I will admit to always feeling a bit blessed with naturally feminine features and a small stature. I’ve continually been told by people that I don’t need any face work. But yet when a dear friend of mine recently went and had her own FFS, part of me became jealous and uncertain. I didn’t think I needed it, but at the same time, wouldn’t life be better if I looked more feminine? Could it really be a bad thing?

There is a service in the UK that provides Virtual FFS. By providing her with a set of photos to work from, she Photoshops an estimate of what you will look like after FFS and pinpoints where she believes you problem areas lie and what will help you become more feminine looking. So out of curiousity, I sent away for the service. The following are the originals and the post-FFS photos as well as the extensive report that followed it. The photos are devoid of makeup and expression with my hair pulled back for a reason, to give her the best material to work from. This would give me the truest estimate of how I would look.

Overall I was very happy with the results I got back and it pretty much just reinforced my previous self assessment that I really don’t need much work, so that was assuring. I do recommend her service for anyone who is even contemplating getting face work done. If nothing else, I think it may help some people be more realistic about what to expect from FFS.

Ashley

THE REPORT:

Hi Ashley.

Please remember that these virtuals are not and could not be 100% accurate but I hope they will give you a good idea of the possibilities and take you a long way towards planning how best to proceed.

The eye takes a little while to tune-in to facial changes so you may be disappointed at first glance. It is best to spend a few days getting used to the pictures before you make any decisions.

Hairline:
It looks like your hairline is perhaps just a little high in the middle and you have some quite strong recession in the corners giving your hairline the masculine “M” shape. I have moved your hairline forwards a little and filled in the corners to give it a more rounded and feminine shape. This can be achieved with a scalp advance or hair transplants. If you were to have forehead work then it would probably make sense to have a scalp advance as both procedures could use the same incision. However, if you don’t have any forehead work then I would recommend transplants as they are less invasive.

Forehead:
Your forehead is within normal female ranges with only a very little bossing over the frontal sinus or the orbital rims. This is quite unusual and could save you a lot of money and physical trauma. You could remove the little bossing you do have but that is quite lot of surgery for a small effect. My advice would be to leave your forehead alone at this stage - if you find you have passability problems at a later stage, it might be time to consider forehead surgery. I followed the link to your website and looked at some of the pictures - I think that given how good you look already, I very much doubt you will need to consider forehead surgery.

Eyebrows:
Your eyebrows already sit in a high feminine position so you do not need a brow lift, however they are a little thick so I have thinned them by plucking along the underside to give them a thinner and more feminine arched shape. This also has the effect of a mini brow lift.

Eyes:
I don’t see any notable problems with your eyes or the soft tissues around them. You have quite large eyes in proportion to your face - this is feminine and a good asset.

Nose:
>From the front your nose is good but from the side it’s a bit long with a humped bridge and not enough of an upwards angle to the base. I have lowered the bridge to remove the hump and I’ve given it a fairly straight profile. I Think a straight nose works much better on a face shape like yours than a scooped out one. This is to do with the area between the top lip and the nose. If you look at this area from the side you can see that it slopes forwards on you. If you put a concave curve in the bridge of the nose it makes it look like the protrusion of the area just below the nose has actually pushed the nose upwards as if you were pushing the tip up with your finger. I have also shortened the tip and given the base more of an upwards angle as seen from the side.

Cheeks:
You have full and rounded feminine cheeks. I do not recommend any changes.

Lips:
The distance between your top lip and the base of your nose is too long. I have given you a lip lift to correct this. I have also rolled the top lip out a little to give it a fuller and more feminine shape.

Chin:
Your chin has a rounded and feminine shape but it also recedes a little so I have moved it forwards for you. This can be achieved with a chin implant or sliding genioplasty. This is not really feminisation - it is more of a beauty enhancement. Also, chin surgery has a lot of complications associated with it like numbness in the chin and bottom lip and reduced mobility in the bottom lip. These effects can last for months and can sometimes be permanent to some degree so chin surgery is a decision you have to take carefully.

Jaw:
There is some width at the corners of your jaw. I personally think this looks fine on you but you could also narrow it if you prefer and some surgeons might recommend that so I am sending a second set of pictures with the jaw narrowed to help you decide - this can be seen more clearly in the frontal shot.

Adam’s apple:
I don’t see an adam’s apple problem in these pictures.

Other points:
You still have quite a strong beard shadow and I have reduced this for you. I can’t get rid of it completely without making your skin look plastic but I have made a big improvement. I’m sure you’re already working on this.

Overall:
Already quite a feminine face in many ways and given your overall body shape in the blog pictures I would say you have reason to be optimistic. The nose and top lip are the key areas for you but the eyebrow plucking and hairline correction are important too. The chin surgery is a nice beauty enhancement but as I said - it needs to be considered carefully.

A good way to view your pictures is to lay the before and after shots side by side and keep looking from one to the other or placing one print on top of the other and quickly flicking between them. However, if you have a way to overlay them on your computer and click between them, that is ideal. For example: if you have “Photoshop” or “Photoshop Elements” you can load up a before and after picture at the same time and then by holding down “Ctrl” and pressing “F6” you can flick between the two. This often works for other photo software too. Alternatively, if you have “Word” or “Open Office Writer” you can open a new document, click on “insert”, choose “picture from file” browse to your before shot and insert it. Without making any adjustments open another new document and do the same thing again but this time with the after shot. You should have 2 tabs at the bottom of the screen – one for each document. If you click on one and then the other you should see the picture change from before to after.

I have improved the colour balance of your second picture so I am sending you a copy of the before shot with the same improvements to make it easier to compare with the after shots.

The pictures are yours so feel free to share them and the assessment with any support groups you are member of if you want some second opinions. Do take prints to your consultations with surgeons or email them in advance - most surgeons welcome them.

Please email me to confirm that the pictures have arrived. if you have any questions about your pictures and your assessment please feel free to email me.

Thank you very much for entrusting me with your virtual FFS - I very much hope the pictures are helpful.

Good luck and best wishes,

Alexandra.

http://www.virtualffs.co.uk

Requiem For a Dream part 2…

Last night I had a dream:

I dreamed that my ex had somehow managed to lay particular charges against me that because of whatever particulars about my situation, it really didn’t matter if I was guilty or not, the end result would be that I was going to jail.

As my trial date approached, I was constantly greeted by concerned friends and family who were angered, frustrated and saddened that they couldn’t do anything to help me.  I constantly was presenting to people with the nonchalance of a person who was dying of cancer and had accepted that this fate could not be changed, mostly for their benefit, but also to mask my intense anger and fear of the situation.

I knew I was going to be spending the best years of my life being continually raped and I was scared as fuck.

Then I woke up.

And I wonder why I don’t get much sleep these days.

Ashley

My Right Foot…

Well I did it.  I finally got moved into my new apartment.

This has been a stressful move to be sure.  Events conspired against making it a smooth transition and I ended up without any furniture for a week and a half.  Once I did finally get all my shit out of storage and to its’ destination, there was still the issue of how to get it inside.  You see the apartment I landed is on the second floor and there’s no elevator.  To make matter worse, I haven’t been in Vancouver for 6 years, and when I was here, I wasn’t Ashley.  So I know almost no one here yet.  Normally this would just be an annoying inconvenience I could slug through.  I’m not afraid of a little hard work, especially when I’m the one who receives the fruits of it’s labours.  But this verged on being an impossible task for me, because I’m partially disabled.

In 2003, I realized what at that point was my dream – I started my own video store.  It was a small store, put together out of my pre-existing resources and spit and polish.  An extremely modest beginning.  But it was mine.  I persevered and ignored all the people who told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t do it and I made it happen.  And it was slowly starting to work too.  Then one night, on July 5^th 2003, less than two months since I had opened, I was driving home in my piece of shit pickup truck and the unthinkable happened…

I woke up on the side of the road with people milling about all concerned.  I wasn’t entirely sure where or even when I was.  My foot hurt.  My mouth was filled with blood.  I could see the flickering light of flames reflecting off the trees.  I had just survived a car accident.

I was taken to the local hospital and drugged all to hell, then taken to a bigger hospital where I received two major surgeries on my foot and leg from a top pediatrist surgeon.  A full month later, I was finally released from the hospital.  It was another 4 months before I was able to put weight on my foot.  Another 4 months before I could walk without a cane.  A full year of physiotherapy before it was assessed my foot just wouldn’t move any more than it was already.  A mouth full of replacement teeth.

It wasn’t even until well into my hospital stay that I learned the facts of what had occurred.  I was being visited by lawyers and had no understanding of what caused the accident.  I had blanked it all out.  The reality is that a well known car thief had stolen a truck, was completely intoxicated and trying to race and pass someone on a blind hill.  This was also a small rural road with rock on either side, so there was no place to go.  The head on collision was inevitable and I still have no memory of any of it.

I’m really just lucky to be alive.  He got six months in jail.

I persevered and with the help of volunteers who believed in my store and felt bad for me, my business stayed open until I could return.  From there I continued to work and build it from a wheelchair and crutches.  I even expanded my store three times and relocated once over the course of 5 years and eventually sold it for a profit.  This despite proclamations from many people who told me it would be impossible to still run my store.

One of the unfortunate byproducts is that I cannot walk without a limp.  I have very little balance, and I can only get so much use out of my foot in a day.  Stairs are very difficult for me to do without support and (sob) heels are an impossibility.  I am refined to flats.  I still almost cry everytime I go into a shoe store and see all the wonderful candy colored shoes I want to wear but can’t.

So here I am, attempting to get a moving truck full of furniture and boxes up to a second floor via stairs.  How the fuck am I going to manage this one?!  I was able to enlist the help of one of my oldest friends who I originally moved out to Vancouver with back in 1997.  Alone he helped me achieve what was literally physically impossible for me.  Even with him running the stairs, I was still laid up for 2 days as I had to use the wall for support just to get to the bathroom.  If you have the opportunity to be crippled, I really don’t recommend it.

I really owe my friend Robin a great debt of gratitude.  I’ve thanked him profusely already, but I don’t know how to thank him enough.  So be sure to check out his pervy blog here and buy his new book here.  He deserves the support.  It’s really one thing to receive help from a friend when you need it.  It’s a whole other thing to be completely reliant on that help because you are physically incapable of doing what normal people can.  I don’t handle being helpless or reliance very well at all.  I like to do everything for myself.  The debilitating feeling of needing someone no matter what is a horrible one that I loath.

Ashley

Requiem For a Dream…

I had a dream last night.

I dreamed I was visiting my parents with some friends and had a pleasant time.

Just as I was about to leave my parents stood there in the hall with silly looking grins on their faces.  I was confused as to what they were grinning about until I glanced downward.

There was a daughter, happy and giddy to see me.  She ran towards me and I scooped her up in my arms and gave her a big kiss.  She hugged me tight and called me “mommy.”

In my dream I couldn’t stop smiling.

As I woke, I couldn’t stop crying.

Ashley

Just the GirlUWant…

There’s a very interesting element of transitioning that previously had not occurred to me.  I want me.

It’s no big surprise that trans girls are in a situation where they are inventing and creating themselves.  This starts as a process of conception and ideas about what is female and evolves over time to become a much more natural woman.  I talked a couple posts ago about how I feel like I’m a full female now, but I’m still maturing as a woman, growing into my social identity.  I think this is a process every woman goes through to a certain extent.  There is the pubescent period where the girl becomes a woman and becomes familiar with their adult body and mentally she grows into the beautiful woman she will become.

Of course no one can say for certain what comprises to make us the people we are.  All we know for certain is that it’s a combination of key factors that go into making us unique individuals.  Complex dynamics are created as a result of our genetics, upbringing, environment, education, social circle, economics and many other factors all go towards shaping our outlooks and goals.  For a genetic girl, this is quite a natural process and is one everyone goes through it like it or not.  Most teenage girls I’m guessing have hopes and dreams like any other, but they haven’t “designed” the woman they see themselves as.  They just be themselves and grow up.

For many transgirls, it’s different for bunch of different reasons.  First of all is the experience.  We’ve gotten to live part of our lives in a different body and gender, and while that was mostly detrimental for us, it does give us a different perspective.  We’re not young, dumb and full of cum anymore.  (well at least some of us)  We’re older and have careers, families, mutual funds and broken dreams.  The other major factor is that many girls, like me, grew up both jealous of and lustful towards women, what we assumed to be the opposite sex.  It creates this interesting situation where a person is already sexually aware, attracted to women and sets about making themselves as one.  What is the inevitable result?

Today I look at myself in the mirror and I can genuinely see a girl who I think is quite cute.  I’ve found my own sense of style and in a few ways it wasn’t what I expected, but it totally works for me.  Today as I’ve been semi-homeless, I’ve just camped out in a coffee shop all day in the “hip” area of town.  As I’ve sat here in front of the window and watching all the people traffic as I write, I’ve seen a small handful of girls who completely just jumped out of the crowd at me and all of them shared many similar traits.  They were all fairly thin, had noticeably red hair, horn rimmed glasses that not too long ago would be considered “geeky” and have a sense of style about them that is a comfortable cross between trendy fashionable and avant guard bohemian.  Who does that look like?

Yup.  I made myself into the girl that I want to date.  I’m guessing that I’m not unique in this fact.  I think many girls end up making themselves into and becoming the woman they most want to have in their lives.  The kind that sticks out and attracts them.  After all, we’ve done the fucking research.  Every woman we’ve passed on the street is like a slap in the face reminding us what we were cheated of.  This sort of melding occurs where the woman we love and the woman we envy become one in the same.  I remember once my ex accused me of not wanting her but really wanting a version of me with tits.  Now I suppose I have to admit that’s become true in ways no one could have predicted.  I don’t know if it’s detrimental having two ideals so closely intertwined, but I don’t really have a choice anymore.  Whether or not they end up separating, only the future can say.

Until then… I’d totally do me.

Ashley

The Transveg Conspiracy…

…and then Jason Bourne disarmed the assailant with a few deftly placed blows his attacker was incapable of defending…  oh sorry, I got carried away after that title. 

No, the conspiracy I refer to is one where I see such a large number of people in the trans community adopting, or currently living either a vegetarian or vegan diet.  Now I have no problem with any particular diet, aside from the fact that I refuse to keep my mouth shut on any given topic.  I was raised on a very heavy meat and potatoes diet, it was just kind of the standard where I grew up.  In our family we even got into the routine of having regular Sunday night roast beef dinners.  It wasn’t until I went back and stayed with my parents for a couple months that I realized how stifling their diet was.  Sometimes it seems like a meal would consist of meat topped with meat and a side dish of meat… and maybe some peas.  Again… this is how I grew up.

I’m not going to pretend that my dietary habits don’t suck big time, I know they do.  But slowly I’ve been trying to make changes to improve my diet.  I know my ex hates how I portray her in my blog, so here’s something positive… she’s probably the single person who has helped me turn around my dietary habits the most.  So for that, thank you.  My diet issues verged on phobic as many attempts to force myself to eat foods I know I should be eating resulted in uncontrollable vomiting.  But much like my issue with swallowing pills (which I did overcome) I too wanted to overcome this.  As a result, while still far from stellar, I have a much wider range of foods that I now eat.  I recently connected with a couple old friends and when we went out for dinner and I ordered a salad their jaws dropped.  So I feel like I’m at least making progress.

I swear, it seems like over half the trans community, at least the trans community that I know, has adopted a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle.  Like my friends here, or here… and even here.  I’m really feeling in the minority now for wanting a tasty burger.  Hearing constant talk of tofu, boca meat, and other substitutes for that delicious juicy meat we all crave… it just drives me nuts.  But that’s okay.  It can however be incredibly frustrating trying to arrange plans for a group of people which includes one or more vegans.  I’m sorry, but in most instances these people are just incorrigible dynamics to toss into any attempt to keep things simple and laid back.  I know many vegans get a bad rap, and some of them deserve it.  There seems to be 3 types of vegans you’re likely to encounter.  1) The militant annoying vegan (moderate to rare), 2) the poorly informed vegan that talks constantly about how they are not militant but then proves otherwise (more common) and the truly laid back easy to get along with vegan (extremely rare, ie. I think this group is comprised completely of Moby).

You can argue that veganism is healthier, but there are quite a few points that I can’t get around.  First is that man eats meat for a reason.  It is instinctual and we’ve done it since the days of fire.  Animals eat other animals, and man is an animal.  It’s only our illusion of civility and shelter of a societal construct that makes us think we are somehow not animals and therefore are not part of the food chain.  Second, look at chickens… they are just begging to be used as a food source.  Other than fertilizing shit, yummy protein rich eggs (and yes, the cholesterol myth of eggs has been debunked) and the yummy tender meat of these insipid birds so universal that any taste that can’t quite be placed is said to “taste like chicken.”  Other animals fit this description too.  Finally, a good hamburger is just fucking delicious.

I would also make the argument, and this is the talking from my ass segment of the article, that veganism is actually detrimental to trans girls and guys.  Having seen a few trans girls on vegan diets, it’s sometimes painfully easy to see how underdeveloped they are as women.  Everyone makes their own decisions on how important that is, but you have to remember than embarking on HRT is like going through puberty… again.  And when young girls and guys go through puberty, there’s enormous change that goes on in the body and it’s necessary for it to not only be healthy, but well balanced in the all the things a body needs for rapid growth.  Especially for pubescent girls, they are packing on fatting layers around their hips, their bust and their face. (and sometimes other areas)  So it’s important for the body to have a good level of fat and protein content for this proper development.  And when I hear terms like “protein replacements” and “no fat intake”, well… the connection between a vegan diet and little to no normal female growth doesn’t require a poopload of math skills.

It’s not hard to see what side of the meat fence I’m on, but one place I can agree with vegans and vegetarians is the issue of animal cruelty.  Unfortunately, and even moreso in the US, livestock farming has been taken out of the hands of independent farm owners and taken over by large corporate food farms.  As a result, we end up with cows, chickens and pigs that live in completely unconscionable surroundings, are fed the worst shit and are pumped full of hormones to make them bigger and fatter.  In some cases, no one knows the long term effects of these hormones on humans, and in other cases like rBGH, we know they cause cancer in humans (which is why it’s banned in Canada and the UK, but the US allows it).  So that’s a big mark against, for my personal health reasons.  I’ll defend the balanced addition of meat to anyone’s diet, but for reasons of health and ethics, I have to agree with the veggies and as a result I support organic meats as much as possible.  I don’t want hormone pumped sausages gotten from pigs that eat mulched up chickens… but I do want sausage.  And as a consumer the best thing I can do is vote with my dollar.  I don’t expect it to change the world, but then the only one I want it to affect is me.

So to summarize, no one diet is perfect for everyone and proper balance in all areas of life does make for a balanced person.  Extremes of any kind are never good for anything other than occasional visits, be it a solely vegan diet, nor a diet that consists of steak wrapped in bacon.  Both will rob most people’s bodies of the nutrients and proteins it craves and there are negative side effects to both.  Diet has become a religion for some people, who feel the need to point out how outcast and discriminated against they are while constantly trying to chip away at people’s will until they give in to their particular way of life.  I don’t appreciate it when Jehovahs do it on my doorstep, and I don’t appreciate it at dinner.  Unlike smoking which gives the body nothing of what it needs, meat is not an addiction that needs to be broken.  I understand that’s not all vegans and vegetarians, but all too often I’m taken on a guilt trip for violating their sensibilities with my lifestyle habits.  If that’s the diet you’ve found works the best for you, then by all means, go for it.  Just make sure it’s for the right reasons and that you actually understand what those reasons are and the consequences of them.  And remember that life is meant to be lived.  To tell me I shouldn’t eat meat is to tell me I shouldn’t enjoy ice cream, or chocolate, or fucking.  I’d rather enjoy my meal.

Ashley

P.S.:  You’ve been Rick Rolled.

Such a Sexy Girl…

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted an entry!  I’ve mostly been recovering from the fallout of my last entry, working on other projects, taking more personal time, enjoying the remainder of my hiatus and just generally living the rollercoaster that is life.

Also I don’t feel like I’ve had much more to share that was incredibly relevant.  I mean I could share bullshit anecdotal tales about how this and that happened to me, but I honestly don’t think anyone really cares.  Hell, I’m not sure I care.  I’ve always tried to approach my blog entries from an analytical point of view where I could self examine aspects of transitioning that we don’t talk about and give them a little bit of limelight.  That, I feel, has merit.  But alas, I’ve come to a new conclusion.

I’ve entered into a new stage of transition that I didn’t expect, and it kind of caught me off guard.  I was getting used to being a teenage girl, and maybe I’m just growing up, but it occurred to me that I feel like I’ve fully transitioned as a female.  I’m not post-op yet, but I feel like I have a vagina and actually forget sometimes that I still have a penis.  “Oh, what are you still doing here?”  It’s really only a matter of time.  My breasts are still growing and I’m still working on various aspects of my appearance, voice and behavior so that I can pass better.  But I feel as full a female as I think I’m ever going to feel.  And that is wonderful.

Enter stage two.  Now that I’m fully female (minus surgery), I’m discovering a new path.  Womanhood.  I feel like now I am finally growing as a person, as a woman, and I don’t entirely claim to know where that path takes me.  This is the person I present myself as, how I carry my demeanor, where I prioritize things in my life and adventures I embark upon to gain experience that ultimately helps me become a fuller woman.  It’s actually an exciting time and there are many bold new things to try, and to be honest, for the first time in my life I feel neither scared nor ashamed to try them.

I end up getting my fair share of compliments.  Awhile ago I was walking through a mall and received a tap on the shoulder.  It was from a girl who looked to be about 15 and upon seeing my puzzled expression wondering if perhaps I had dropped something, she told me “I just wanted to say I think you look really sexy.”  And with that she wandered off.  Now you remember that old game you can play with fortune cookies where you add “…in bed” to the end of every fortune and it still works?  Well you can play the same game with compliment.  “I just wanted to say you look really sexy… for a transsexual.”  And damned if that isn’t the voice that’s going on in my head.

Yes, I’m still rife with insecurities of my own, and all the compliments in the world can’t make those go away.  I’ve talked to trans girls who have been fulltime longer than I, and they still deal with these issues.  Part of me wonders if I’ll ever conquer them, or if it’s just something I need to learn to live with.

I’m also back in Vancouver now.  A city I’ve always loved and feel at home in.  But now I have to confess to feeling a little intimidated as a single girl in this city.  I see so many girls here that can only be defined as unbelievably drop dead gorgeous.  And even the girls that don’t fit that mold certainly have a sense of uber-style and look fantastic.  It’s hard not to feel like I can’t compare.  I won’t deny it fills me with a certain level of depression and like my odds of finding a girl a repulsively slim.

To make matters even worse, I am hormonally like an 18 year old girl right now.  I’ve experienced a renewed sex drive that unparalleled to anything I ever felt in the past.  So this only amplifies my loneliness to new heights.  Frustrating indeed.

But I suppose here I am a single girl in a big city. (Hmmmmmm… I suddenly have an idea for a TV show)  I can only really look at it as a realm of possibilities.  My chances of finding a girl here are going to be the best I have anywhere, short of being in San Francisco possibly.  So I’m in the right place.

Now to just get out there and make some friends.  How hard can it be?

Ashley

Back in the Box…

This is a follow up to my previous entry which has caused a bit of disturbance.  Actually it’s caused a shitstorm of activity and a less than healthy heaping of scorn sent in my direction.

First some background:

I was recently contacted by my ex who is again trying to put off me having access to seeing my daughter and in my disapproval of the situation became naturally antagonistic and harassing.  (repeatedly calling someone’s home at 6am when you know people are asleep is harassment, plain and simple)  This was later exasperated by my therapist who filled me with less than ample hope about the situation and even suggested at one point that perhaps it might be workable for me to see my daughter if I agreed to do it in guy mode.  A more disturbing and damaging notion I have never before entertained.  How do you weigh access to your children with your self-worth.  If I were going to do that, why would I have just not transitioned and be miserable, the results are not very dissimilar.  Back in the box Ashley.

And then my recent blog entry which encompassed some ideas and observations that had been rattling around in my head for some time now.  And it poured out.

In my fantastic wisdom that comes with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight and in rereading my entry, I have to admit that I was extremely judgmental, condemning and insulting.  When I write, I like to be inciting.  I’ve always enjoyed saying that if what I say offends you, you’re welcome.  The truth is that I don’t actively want to offend anyone, just provoke them.  I see people as lazy, complacent creatures by nature.  We’ve been trained from birth by our advertocrasy to not question the things we should and to question the things we should be holding most dear.  No one is immune to this, not even myself and it’s an aspect I find myself constantly battling within myself.  This is what makes me a culture jammer at heart.  I see incredible benefit to getting a cattle prod in the ass and think we need to be made uncomfortable every now and then, especially in those areas that we choose not to question.  I don’t pretend for a moment to have the answers, I’m not smart enough.  But when I see questions being unasked, it makes me want to jab that nerve with an icepick to bring it to the surface.  Right or wrong, this is where I’m coming from.

Regardless, I can see in retrospect how angry and ranting my post came across.  And while I do still agree with some of the core ideas in the article and stand behind them, my tone was completely uncalled for, and regardless of the fact that I wasn’t mentioning specific people (is making broad generalizations rather than single accusations really any better?), it really is impossible for the words I wrote to not be inflamitory and insulting.  So to all the Dommes, subs, inner children, furries, geeks, dorks, wastoids (Ferris Bueler reference), and any other individual who felt slighted, picked on, demeaned or marginalized…  I apologize.  My intent was never to insult anyone and I made the mistake of writing while not in the right frame of mind and compounded that error by publishing it.

And then the shitstorm.  Understandably I’ve endured a certain amount of retaliation today as a result of my article.  I really didn’t think it would have that sort of impact.  I guess I figured those who didn’t agree would dismiss it and move on.  That 20/20 hindsight thing again.  I’m a big believer in consequences for actions, so I have no choice but to accept the consequences for what I wrote, and that’s why I’m apologizing now.  This most likely will not go down as my most out of my proudest moments.  To be clear, for all those people, I think it’s totally cool you do what you do.  I sincerely believe that if it works for you and you’re not hurting other people, then by all means go for it.  I really don’t have to understand the furry community to think that it’s great that they get whatever they get out of it.  You go girl, or guy, or other!  The point I was trying to address is the core issue of the struggle for identity in the trans community and some of the problems I see with it.

The other part of the consequences has to do with my involvement in the Transgender Resource Center in Second Life.  As many people may know, I’m co-director of the center and that puts me in a position of leadership.  I am also a writer who is strongly opinionated and has a big mouth.  I know I can come off as a self-righteous bitch sometimes, that’s why I always keep an extra supply of feet around.  I’ve always said that I will not apologize for who I am.  I’ve worked really hard to be the fullest me that I am, and I fully understand that I can be abrasive and accept I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.  So it disturbs me when I’m receiving recommendations that given my position at the TRC, I should consider not publishing my blog or doing so under a pseudonom.  Get back in the box, Ashley.  I understand where they are coming from.  In my position, yes it’s hard for my comments to not affect the organization as a whole.  On the other hand, the name of the website is ashleylynch.com.  These are my own personal views and perspectives and pass the scrutiny of only one person before publication.  To ask me to stop talking or pretending to be someone else goes against who I am. (Hmmm, kind of ironic in light of my last entry, but that’s a matter of semantics.)  I’ve worked damn hard to try and keep my personal and professional (peer support/advocacy) lives separate.  When I am at the TRC and in peer support mode I am conscious about the feelings of others and try not to bring whatever personal opinions or ideologies I might have to the table.  If you ask me my opinion, I’ll tell you straightforward as long as you can agree that it’s just my opinion and that everyone should form their own.  To assert that I am in the equivalent of public office and must have everything in my personal life subject to the scrutiny of my position puts me in an untenable position.  Because if it’s put to me that I can either have the position of peer support volunteer, or the freedom to express my opinions, then I know which one is going to lose.

Because Ashley is not going back in the box.

Ashley

Insecurinomia – Part One of a Pseudo-Intellectual Poorly Researched Examination into the Pathology of Transsexuals…

Transsexuals are a very insecure lot. There, see… this article is already full of facts!

I recently was shown an article that detailed the narcissistic nature of homosexuals and transsexuals. While I found the article mostly to be rife with spurious assumptions and ridiculous notions, there were a few things of interest in it

I’ve always noted the overly narcissistic nature of transsexuals, myself included. I’ve sat and listened to them whine “Me! Me! Me!” like they were the most important topic on the face of the planet. And really how can that be avoided. Any trans person has to go through an incredible amount of introspection and self examination before they can figure out who they are. Their core identity literally becomes a single minded obsession, and definitely not by choice. Many struggling trans people reach a point where they scream into the heavens “for fucks sake, just give me one day where I don’t have to think about it anymore.” It becomes a maddening torment that feels anything but self-imposed. So once you come out of that with newfound knowledge of who you are, does that concentrated self analysis fade away to a more extroverted personality? Very rarely. The result is a community of people who sometimes it seems all want to be the one that get lavished with attention.

There’s another element of this narcissism that has recently come to light for me during recent events. There is a real tendency, especially in the online community, but as a whole for transgendered people to use their gender identity and status as a discriminated class as a crutch to elevate their other issues. Many trans people find themselves latched onto some very strange fantasy ideas and fetish communities in their effort to explore their identity. The end result is people who will defend their “hobbies” to the death as a core part of who they are and demand mass social acceptance for them.

People being led around on leashes in public with their hands bound and saying “Yes Mistress” constantly who assert that to tell them to not be submissive is like telling them not to be trans. People who claim to be infantile preteen children and will debate until the end of time how it is a legitimate identity that must be accepted just like their gender identity. (I’m not kidding.) And no, you are not supposed to be a child in an adult body. That’s a mental issue you need to be seeking therapy for, it is not an identity. You were a child once, but it’s over now, let it go! And while we’re on the topic, let’s talk about furries. You were not meant to be born as a humanoid half fox, half cat. No one has the genetic makeup for interspecies DNA. Your mother was human, your father was human. You’re human! Even if your dad fucked a horse, it would still never result in a furry. Being furry is not an identity that you need to fight for to have social acceptance. You know why? Cause it’s a fetish, plain and simple. Sexual or no, it’s a fetish.

The even greater damage that gets done here is that transgenderism already gets viewed way too much as something sexual or fetishistic.  Having BDSM neko trans girls hanging around only help to perpetuate that stereotype and work against creating a proactive atmosphere for trans people everywhere.  Some of us are trying to reverse negative stereotypes and get laws and rights passed for all of us to make the world a better place for all transgendered people.

So just because you’re adamant that all these messed up hobbies of yours (and I’m not judging, I have my own messed up hobbies) are an intrinsic part of your identity, every bit as much as your gender really doesn’t make it so. To be painfully blunt (and why stop now), this is merely a roleplaying fantasy that you’ve taken to extreme levels and tried to secure a thinly built connection in attempts to bootstrap it into legitimacy. ie. You are delusional and either need a reality check or a councilor. I know I’m being extremely judgmental and it’s okay. People who indulge in this sort of activity need a slap in the face to get some perspective. I’m not saying don’t have your messed up hobbies. I’m sure it’s fun. But don’t expect me or the rest of society to accept you as anything other than a comical farce if you try and take those hobbies into public. There’s a time and a place.

To do anything, to subject people to your fetishes who don’t want to be, is downright rude, ignorant, and very narcissistic.

Ashley